The blog has been pretty quiet since I returned from Mexico over a year ago. Despite the lack of posts, I have created a handful of videos this year with guided meditations and breath practices. If you haven’t signed up for my email list, you can right here and you’ll receive occasional videos, news, and, coming next year, yoga movement videos (including Kitchen Yoga)!
I’ve been on a journey to heal and integrate everything last year’s trip of miracles and wonders awoke in me.
Healing from Complex Trauma is a journey, one that takes more time and goes in a meandering path that’s filled dead-ends and wrong turns. Yoga is my “multitool” on this journey. It not only keeps me on the path, but it gives me ways to shift my energy, soothe my anxiety, grow my self-understanding, and expand my ability to connect with others.
Last December I had the privilege and honor to train with Molly Lannon Kenny to offer Bedside Yoga for people at the end of life. Many people contributed to my online campaign to make it possible for me to go. I even had a little surplus that I was able to use this autumn to spend a few days in contemplative retreat with my community.
I was absolutely astounded my campaign was successful. I was immediately, profoundly connected to my struggle to see myself as worthy. Grateful and amazed, I experienced cognitive dissonance as the deeply held belief that I’m not worthy conflicted with the very tangible reality that many people find me worthy enough to make a financial commitment to my training!
I continued to struggle into spring, my anxiety beginning to creep back up. It culminated in a decision, made with my therapist, to go back into intensive trauma therapy; the work I’d done a few years ago seemed to be coming apart at the seams. In June I started doing Somatic Attachment-Focused EMDR, the SAFE model aims to help adults who have experience complex trauma. Using this approach we first identified that I have a deeply rooted false belief about myself that ultimately undermines me as an adult.
It isn’t an easy process. We go back to the earliest memories I have associated with my false belief and we work with them until they’re no longer triggering the false belief. Then we move to the next one. In the past 7 months we’ve installed 2 memories; these first ones are uncovering new experiences for me to integrate.
I’ve also been taking in the knowledge that my Mother more than likely had a personality disorder; something that happened because she herself had complex trauma. I’m realizing how intergenerational trauma undermines everything and everyone it touches. I understand that I needed to remove myself completely from my family to heal.
There’s been changes in my teaching schedule this year; I’m teaching fewer classes now. I’ve been using the additional time for healing and creating the foundation for the work I want to do with end-of-life care.
In the new year I’m looking forward to expanding my video offerings, including plans to improve my lighting! I’ll have more blog posts too, but look for more videos and a YouTube channel in the new year! If you haven’t yet, join my mailing list right here!